I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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