She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
