I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
