And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
