Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
