please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
