Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Go christen that room with your naked body.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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