I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
