I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
