I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
