You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
