grandma shit on top of the toilet
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
