Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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