I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
