Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
