I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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