On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
