wrigley field is MILF paradise
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
