WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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