I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I cut my penus on the lid.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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