Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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