I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I can't trust your balls anymore.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
