..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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