Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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