I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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