Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Randomize
