u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
