i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
