I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
