What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I supernannyed him into submission
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
