after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
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