He uses pillows to masturbate.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
