I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
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