i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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