Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
