when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
