walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
