Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
