There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
