do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
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