good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just threw up on my dentist
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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