The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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