that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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