it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
