She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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