who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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