And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
