In the future we'll all be gay
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
