The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
