how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
