dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
