I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
